Ma vie, mes amours, mon histoire.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
.........
don't have much to say. This week has been a drag. Just totally boring. Was woken up at 2am the other night. Not too happy about that. Kinda in a funky mood. Im not happy or sad. I know im not depressed. Well, maybe a little. But its not the suicidal depressed. Im not that weird.
I know i need to write something, for i haven't in so long. But i just don't feel like it. Im tired of putting effort into something and having nothing come out of it. What the hell am i trying for in the first place? Ill never know. Maybe you do. If you do? Tell me.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
One more song
Not In Love - Seven
by Enrique Iglesias
Are you ready?
You call me on the phone
I act like nothing's going on
We're driving in my car
I pretend that you don't turn me on
Ah ah ah you sexy thing
Yeah you know it yeah
Ah ah ah you move around now you show it
I'm not in love
It's just a phase that i'm going through
I'm always looking for something new
But don't go running away
It's almost 3 am
I'm hoping that you don't let go
You're moving in so close
I'm trying not to lose control
Ah ah ah you sexy thing
Yeah you know it yeah
Ah ah ah you move around now you show it (come on)
I'm not in love
It's just a phase that i'm going through
I'm always looking for something new
Don't go running away
Oh i'm not in love
I try to tell myself all the time
I just can't help how i feel tonight
So don't go running away yeah
I'm not in love (yeah yeah)
I'm not in love
I'm not in love (give it to me now)
I'm not in love (break it down)
Ah ah ah you sexy thing
Yeah you know it
Ah ah ah you move around yeah you show it
I'm not in love
It's just a phase that i'm going through
I'm always looking for something new
Don't go running away
Oh i'm not in love
I try to tell myself all the time
I just can't help how i feel tonight
So don't go running away yeah
GO N C STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"This is a CNN breaking news update. At approximately 7:06pm EST troops from NC State University have marched on the city of Chapel Hill. They now have the campus of UNC completely surrounded and are forming up to invade shortly. According to spokesman Herb Sindeck, NCSU troops expect little resistance and plan to have total control within the hour. There has however been one casualty reported. NCSU's Mr Wuf apparently attacked and mauled a large ram running on UNC grounds and is now suffering from severe indigestion. He is expected to make a full recovery. At a press conference a short time ago, Sendek stated the reason for this attack is to show that even though God made the sky Carolina blue, we all bleed NC STATE RED. For CNN news, I'm a die hard State fan."
-Ashley Rhew
A fav. song
Ready For Love
by India Arie
I am ready for love,
why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
to be held in your capitivity
I am ready for love,
all of the joy and the pain
and all the time that it takes
just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking maybe you're not
ready for me,
maybe you think I need to learn maturity
they say watch what you ask for 'cuz you might receive
but if you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love,
would you please lend me your ear,
I promise I won't complain.
I just need you to acknowledge I am here.
If you give me half a chance,
I'll prove this to you.
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
to a man who loves music
a man who loves art
respect the spirit world and thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
if you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
and do the best that I can
I am ready for love
here with an offering of my voice
my eyes, my soul, my mind
tell me what is enough
to prove I am ready for love
I am ready.
its so true
jamesismyherom5 (10:21:57 AM): My Thoughts On Valentine's Day
Personally, I think the whole day is too commerical to even be celebrated in the first place. First of all, yes - It's great getting roses and candy and whatever else there is, but if you truly care about someone, why do you need such a set, special date to show them? "Oh, I'm going to tell you I love you on February 14th." - No, things shouldn't even work that way - if you want to buy someone candy, why not on.... March 17th or some random date.
Point being, in that long statement - Valentine's Day was just a holiday made so the industry could get more money by guilable saps who want to suck money out of commerical America.
Thank you.
The way things work
Guess im a little pron to stirring up trouble or just creating it for myself. But i think i like it. I like creating drama, to some extent. Im not Trishelle and Coral type bullshit drama. But its still fun and usually harmless. Though ive been known to be a little heartless, i usually get smacked upside the head a couple of times and im back on just creating fun drama.
But i guess the one thing ive found recently is the fact that i really want to be in a serious relationship. One that might actually go somewhere and it doesn't end up with us just fucking around in the end. That has so many meanings in it its wonderful. Hopefully ive found someone worth my time and effort. And i honestly think i have, but its more of, does he want to be in a serious relationship, even for just a small amount of time. Just to see if it works. If not, life will go on. And ill still be his friend. I don't want to lose that friendship.
And if only i could hope for a Valentine this year. Id be the happiest girl alive. But you can't live in a world of dreams, youll forget how happy reality can be. Who am i kidding? Fuck reality, give me dreams and wishes. They work better for me anyways. They keep me sane. I think. lol.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Thinking again
Why is it that we try to hard to fall in love? We know how much love hurts and how much effort you put in is never returned. Except for those few instances where they are. Though the instances are small, and usually special. When does one realize that you love more than the other person?
But maybe the word love is thrown around too much. Maybe the word love is used to just show basic emotion, but doesn't really stand for something special. The whole basis of Valentine's day is to celebrate the love you share with someone. Though many people celebrate Valentine's Day either by themselves, or with someone they have only held on to long enough to be able to celebrate Valentine's Day and then the relationship is over. Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. Id rather stay home and watching horror flicks where everyone dies in the end while eating gummy bears. Biting the heads off first.
Though my cynicism should not effect anybody else's view on how to enjoy your Valentine's Day.
Monday, January 26, 2004
made me think of Trevor
I saw you walking past me just the other day, another heartbeat with thoughts of yesterday
You looked the same, years are only time, I still wonder why our hearts could never rhyme. You stood beside me, you didn't recognize me., funny how things never change. And when you walked on by a memory surprised me, smoking cigarettes, your girlfriends by the pool. Your smell I could not forget, that's as close as i could get you were so fucking cool. I'm no good, you're no better, wouldn't we be perfect together?
All I wanted was a piece of your heart, you left me torn apart. Fuck the rest before me and their crimes, for your love I'll serve their time I'm no good, you're no better
wouldn't we be perfect together?
- Bouncing Souls
I stole this off of a friends profile and for some reason it made me think of Trevor. Im not gonna go through the whole story of Trevor and our past. Cause thats what it is. The past, though it has had a profound effect on me. Mostly to not trust a person, even if everything you hear or feel, or see tells you otherwise. But thats not too important.
I guess these lyrics made me think of him cause i was just always out of reach. I never could get him. And maybe thats why it bothered me to now end that i could never say. This guy is mine. I have him. I wanted hiim so bad that it consumed me at times. I don't think ive ever been so sexually attracted to a guy as i was to him. I just looked at him and wanted to jump his bones. Or boner i should say. See, even thinking of him puts me in a sexual mood.
But still will never understand why he was so sexy to me. Why i wanted him so bad. Why made my heart skip a beat when he kissed me. And why i kept trying to win his affection.
Even now, im sure of it. If i saw him, i would want him. I would crave him. He hurt me, and yet i want him more than ive ever wanted anyone. Interesting how life works sometimes.
yay! i fixed it!
So remember when i said i was having issues being able to type and see what it was that i was typing. Well hallelujah i fucking fixed it. Hope everyone is having a great day enjoying the day off because of the snow. Though personally, i hate snow. I really do. But alas, the polar ice caps are melting so the south will see more snowy winters in the coming years. Okay, gonna go back to being lazy.
Mes Amis
mes amis sont grands et merveilleux et moi aimez-les tous. n'importe ce que continue dans ma vie ils sont là pour moi. ainsi dans le retour, je serai toujours là pour vous mes amis parce que vous êtes bon. je peux le dire.
translated:
my friends are great and wonderful and i love them all. no matter what goes on in my life they are there for me. so in return, i will always be there for you. my friends. because you are good. i can tell.
just a small pet peeve
i only have a few pet peeves. and most of them are quite normal. but one that seems to bother me alot is that fact that if you say your going to call me, do it. Or else, just don't say it. It pisses me off and i just don't like to be pissed. Thanx so much!
A thoughtful day
Well, im having issues with the blogger system. im trying to write as best as i can, but if i misspell something i do apologize. i can't see what im typing very well.
So, i was asked to write about this guy ive known now for about a year and ahalf. Im not sure if he would want me to put his name in this, seeing as how anybody can read this blog, so to be on the safe side i shall not say his name. Lets just call him J.
Well J is a great guy. I met him through an old highschool friend who goes to UNC-G. I don't talk to her anymore. Were just a little too different for my taste and a bunch of past stuff has made me not trust her very much. But back to J. The first time i saw him i was like, "Rach! Whos the Hottie?" and she was like "That's J." and i liked him from the start. But it was a weird night. He and rachels boyfriend David were in a quarrel all night. They got into a huge fight that night and i have no idea what happened after that. But i do know that i really liked J and wanted his number. So J being the slick guy he is gave me his buisness card. I thought that that was funny, never been given a buisness card before. But i took it anyway. I didn't have any pockets on my pants, so i asked Rachel to hold the card for me, cause she had like 50 pockets. Which i found amusing. What was the need for that many pockets, ill never know. So again, back to J. Rachel lost his card that night. So i was never able to get into contact with hiim. Then randomly last year i get this instant message from this person. Im like who the hell is this? But i pressed the accept button to be able to converse with the person and guess who is was? J! I know i was in shock as well. I was like, cool! I really liked this guy and wanted to talk to him! And thats all i remember. Im sure we talked all school year. Though how much im not sure. But that doesn't really matter. I just know that im happy he was able to get in touch with me, cause i was pissed that Rachel had lost his card. So time goes by and i get a boyfriend and lose the big V. and just enjoy life. A little too much. But that information is a little too racy for this blog. So about 6 months ago, i think, don't quote me on this. J and i start talking again. Why? I don't know. But we did and it was a great thing. And im sorry J but i don't remember the exact day or month that we went on our date, but we did! And it was great! We went to Lucky 32 and i had a marvelous dinner. We then went to Krispy Kreme and had donuts for dessert. I love that place and will always associate that place with J. I then had to leave to get home, though i totally didn't want to. So he and i are talking a lot and its great. But then, like the fool i am, i meet a guy and totally fall for him. In my head i think hes great. Hes a good ole country boy and i luv it. But, he turns out to be a sad memory. And kinda a hurtful one. But during that time with Trevor, i ignored J. I decided in my head that he wasn't what i wanted. Trevor is what i wanted. I was such a fool. But i guess i had to lose what i had, before i realized what i had. So i instant messaged J and told him i was sorry and that i hoped we could be friends again. And we have been. Until he went back to school and started hanging out with this girl named Katie. Now i don't know this girl, so i will make no assumptions about her and J's relationship. But it made me jealous to read about them being together. But i felt i had no right to say anything about it. Hes a grown man and he not my boyfriend. But for some reason, i let it bother me more than normal and i got to thinking. Why the hell am i so jealous of a girl ive never met? She could be perfect for J and i want her to disappear like a rabbit in a hat. So, i got to more thinking, and those who know me know i don't like to dwell on things i find hopeless. Well, not for more than like 10 minutes. So why was this one instance bothering me? I like him. A lot actually. He had become more than a crush. I wanted him to become something more than just a friend. I just hope that that possiblity is still there. I guess well just have to see.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
i honestly can't figure out this new blog program. will someone explain it to me. id really appreciate it.
Friday, January 23, 2004
So i had an okay day. i ran some errands today. had a bill to pay and took a bracelet to be fixed and then had to drop overdue books back to the library. so my day was exciting.
but today i did find out that my favorite store in the endire world, besides american eagle, was accepting applications for hiring. now the girl wasn't sure if they were or not. but im just happy that they accepted my resume, cause the girl didn't have any standard applications. Ive been wanting to work there since i found the place like 8 years ago. this is the first time ive had them say that they might be hiring. im just so excited.
i went and hung out with rachel and carrie tonight. met a guy named eric. but not sure. had fun hanging out with him though. thinking about getting the inner pointy cartilage pierced on my ear. i think id look cool with that. i don't know. just a thought. tell me what you think if you read this.
well im off to go to sleep. im gonna have a great night koalaing, cause this was a night like it was back at the cabin on the chattahoochie. charlotte, you know what i mean. hope everyone sleeps well and knows that i think about them and their well being everday. sleep well and have a grand day tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
well now im totally confused by the last installment of this so called true life account of this girl who is commiting suicide, though she is already dieing of cancer. I'm so totally confused.
but on a lighter note. i did nothing all day except work. which was easy, cause we were slow as hell today. The twins are so hottttt. they so are. i can't explain the hottness that is them.
Im super tired and have alot of shit to do tonight before i get to bed and its already so late. and i don't wanna do any of it. will someone do it for me, cause that would be great. thanx.
well, i guess im off to bed. contemplating about nothing. im asleep. what do you expect?!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
It needs to get warm. Im tired of walking to class cold everyday. I live in the goddamn south. It should be hott. and im done bitching.
across the universe
Lyrics: John Lennon
version:fiona apple
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai Guru Deva Om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe.
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box,
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.
Jai Guru Deva Om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me.
Limitless, undying love, which shines around me like a million suns,
And calls me on and on across the universe.
Jai Guru Deva Om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Jai Guru Deva
Jai Guru Deva
Jai Guru Deva...
love this song.
Monday, January 19, 2004
I thought it was time to bring start another blog. This time with my whole heart into it.
Im not a person who has an exciting life. I do not live the exciting life of a london call girl, or have a boyfriend i can ramble on endlessly about. Im not a writer. Im not sure what i am yet. Im trying to find out. Trying to be more of the adult I am supposed to be, and thats hard. Harder than most things in my life.
My life is pretty boring. I get up at 5:30 three days a week so that i can learn French. I have a 10 O'clock class everyday where i get to learn English. Then on the exciting tues. and wedn. nights i have an evening class that lasts 3 hours. Im either learning how to be a critical thinker, or learning about my American Government which i could give two cents about.
And let me clear one thing up! This is way off topic, but since this is an international blog, i just have to say one thing: NOT EVERYBODY IN NORTH CAROLINA LIKES CLAY AIKEN, IN FACT, MOST OF US DISLIKE HIM MORE THAN WE LIKE HIM! JUST CAUSE HES FROM THIS STATE DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE MORE LIKELY TO LIKE HIM BECAUSE HES FROM HERE. HELL NO! and im done with that.
So back to my riveting life. Im done with my classes at 11 O'clock each day. Which is nice, cause then i can enjoy the rest of my day in peace and pick up some hours at work if im needed. I can't wait till its warm, cause then i can come home and lay out all day and study in the sun. Im very excited about that.
Most days i just sit home watching television, and doing nothing. Most of my friends are in class or have other things to do during the day.
Though I have to complain about one thing. It seems that all my friends, well, not all of them, but a certain few, never seem to have the time for me. At all. You call me your best friend, though why do i always have to invite myself over to hang out with you? Why do i always have to call you to see how you are? Why is always so fucking one sided! Excuse my mouth. I tend to curse at times when I feel its necessary.
Again, with my rant. I do tend to do that. But its my blog, so im gonna do it.
Okay, back to my exciting life. On the weekends i usually wait for holli and hunter to figure out whats going on and usually nothing is. Or Holli doesn't want to go out. Either or. I guess I like to drink. It can be fun. But, id rather be dancin. lol. A lot of the times I like to go out with Carrie and Rachel. Its always tons of fun going out to partays with them. Holli's new roommate is really cool. We all had fun bowling the other night. Which is always exciting.
I had a date on last sunday, not yesterday, but the sunday before. It was with this guy named Elliott. I work with him and hes fun. He was in Florida all week with his dad. We went to Bojangles, which for those of you not from the south, its a southern fast food place. Its kick ass. We went there for lunch and then I made him go see Peter Pan with me after. And we made out for awhile in my car, so high school, i know. But its still fun. Hes a really good kisser, not slobbery, but not all dry and rough. Right in the middle. Though Trevor is still my favorite make out person. But thats a whole other story.
Well, im not sure what else to tell you. Ill try to keep you up to date with my life.
